Fear of Finish

Last night Matthew and I planned to paint.  He laid out his canvas, gathered his materials and began to work diligently.  I lingered and simply stared at my current painting from across the room in a silent trance.


Matthew:  What's wrong?  Why aren't you painting yet?
Me:  I don't know...I do this everytime I get close to finishing a painting.  I avoid it.
Matthew:  Okay.  Why?
Me:  Because it never seems to end up as good as I imagined it.
Matthew:  Think about what you always told your students, and take your own advice.


We smiled and laughed at each other.  He was right.  I did need to follow the advice I had given several of my students when they reached this point.  I can hear myself now - "That's alright - hardly anything ends up as we first imagined it would.  Just do your best, and push yourself through it.  If you can change some things to make it more like you had imagined, then go for it.  If not, that's okay - what counts is effort.  Don't let it intimidate you."


It can be so easy to give encouragement to others and then forget the encouragement when it comes to oneself.  Needless to say, I did put myself squarely in front of the canvas and began working. 


I've noticed that this has been a habit within my creative process.  I reach a certain point when it is so close to being done, and then I play the procrastination game.  The procrastination game is not easy - it feels terrible and with each passing day I feel stress building.  So why do I do it?  Why do any of us do it?


I have found that it is my own fear that gets in the way.  I'm afraid that I will disappoint myself with the outcome (not measuring up to what I have in my head), and it will end up being one big let down.  I think that's why a lot of people avoid their own creative work - it's easier to fantasize about the idea of great work than it is to try to achieve it.  But is it really?  Alongside that fantasy is the torture of regret.  The realization that one didn't do what one could have, didn't work as one should have, and never gave oneself a chance to achieve had one simply tried.


With that said, I'm getting to work.  Time to take my own advice and finish this darn thing once and for all!  Love to all!

Defiant Child and Fear

I've been trying to get further with a painting and it is being a jerk.  I keep staring at it and it seems like a defiant child with folded arms staring back at me with angry eyes.

"What do you want?"  I would like to ask it...it's not said anything back yet...

I'm trying to tune in and listen.  I think that perhaps I'm too scared of what it will answer back for fear that my skills are not up to what it is demanding.  I will try.  After all, I'm not trying to save the world here - or the "cheerleader" for that matter.  I'm just painting a painting.  It's as simple as that.

It's amazing how everytime I create a painting I'm half scared of it, but the other half is just too curious to be bullied by that.  I know that I'm not alone in feeling this way.  It is a struggle sometimes, but why?  Fear?  Judgement?  Displaying weaknesses?  Believing a lie that it will never be good enough?

All of these are illusions...for the most part.  Our terrorizing daydreams of being judged are usually far worse than how reality plays out.  For instance, I've never shown up at an opening without pants while viewers take my works down and light them on fire.  The worst that has ever happened to me was an elderly woman came into the building to yell at me about how awful the work was.  I was actually honored that it made her that angry- better than being ignored, right?  CHEERS!

I'm beginning to realize that it's scarier to be an artist that doesn't create than it is to face the fears of creating (too bad it has taken 33 years for this to begin to sink in).  I don't want regrets in my deathbed like Leonardo Da Vinci did (he wished that he had completed more paintings).  With that said, I need to get to work - "defiant child" or not!