Self- protection was the topic of this week in more than just the chapter. Synchronicity, ain't it a bitch? The chapter told and warned of pitfalls that are a detriment to the creative spirit- typical blocks, workaholism, creative droughts, fame and competition. It guided through how to recognize them and work through them so that we may protect our creative flow. I learned a lesson in self-protection this week that came externally involving being let go, fired, removed, rejected, relieved of my first book illustration gig that I have been working on and extremely excited about.
I could go into details. I could use profanity to describe my shock and frustrations. I could go into the psychology behind his actions of dropping this bomb on me, but I am not going to do that. That would be an unprofessional foolish mistake and a waste of time and energy. However, I will tell you about what I have learned as a result of distancing myself from it for a few days, and it definitely has to do with self-protection.
I failed to protect my time for my own fine art. I am referring to the two series I had started of drawings based on psychology tests and paintings dealing with miracles. They sat there shoved off into the corners of my work area for one and a half months. I had this guilt that if I worked on them that I would be wasting time that could be spent working on illustrations. On the other hand, I felt guilty that I had not worked on them at all. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. I did manage to finish a ceramic disected frog that I had for a collaborative project with Amanda Knauer, and believe me- I did feel some guilt for that as I was not working on the illustrations for the duration of what added up to be about a week when put together. I would argue with myself that I should not feel guilty, but despite that, the guilt remained until I could go back to experimenting and layering the washes for the illustrations.
As I look back, all I can say is "What the F was I thinking?" How could I let my time be manipulated like that with all of those guilty feelings? It was adding up to be some heavy baggage in some ways. Ultimately, I do not mourn the loss of the opportunity, but instead the loss of time for my own stories of paint. Next time I will keep this in mind if there is a next time. I'm not sure that I'm that interested in going through that again. The continual feeling of having to prove your own abilities to someone who doesn't seem to trust you anyway (there were subtle signs though I tried to ignore them in order to stay postive for the project's protection), paired up with the guilty feeling of ignoring your own creative needs is not exactly the optimal life choice for anyone.
So now I have moved back to my own work and I am feeling great in the freedom I feel once again. I learned a lot about my own weaknesses of self-protection throughout this experience, and I am hoping that I will not have to relearn that lesson again. So, look for new works to be posted soon on this blog and on my website at
http://www.krystalbooth.com/.
As far as the chapter went, I believe that I will be revisiting this one often. I especially loved the sections about fame and competition as I felt as if I needed a bit of talking to about these topics. I also feel that if you only read one chapter out of the entire book that I have read so far, it is Chapter Ten. It really touched upon a lot of valuable things for any creative soul to think about.
Onward to Chapter Eleven!
